2 AM Start

Yesterday I couldn’t do anything all day. Well, that’s not true, I actually painted all day long, non stop, but I could barely get up from the couch just from pain, fatigue, and plain not feeling well. The painting was a great distraction and amazingly I felt creative, and was able to focus on it, something I haven’t been able to do for a while now.

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I woke up at 2 AM this morning. If I wake up at any point during the night it’s pain. And then I cannot go back to sleep. I get up, take medications, watch TV, tend the fire… pace the living room. If I’m lucky the medications work and I get a bit more sleep. But sometimes I’m not lucky and I end up not getting any more sleep. It’s very hard for me to sleep during the day, even if I took something, so I rest more, but not getting sleep just makes all my other symptoms worse. I am in a lot of pain today again, but surprisingly none in my abdomen which always hurts. It’s all my body, and all my joints and muscles, but my stomach feels fine. So I’m trying to focus on that one small victory. In the scheme of things it doesn’t make my day any easier, but it’s one small thing is not harassing me, so I’ll call it a win.

It was a really pretty and snowy morning, and I managed the barn chores OK. They are short and sweet instead of long and taxing right now, so that helps a lot.

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I wish I could freeze time for a little bit, because these babies are growing up so fast on me!

I then surprisingly got three loads of laundry done, a huge pot of chicken soup made, a venison roast in the crock pot, and a pot of liver stew for the big dogs made. While I was doing the dishes I picked up a pan that had water soaking in it and just assumed I had the strength to do that. Nope. Dumped that entire sucker on the floor at the exact time I over flowed the sink. As the kitchen floor began flooding around me, Douglas took that as his cue to jump into the air and land in the freshly filled giant bowl of dog water, adding it to the flood and soaking himself.

You win some, you loose some. I had to do an extra load of laundry it took so many towels to dry the floor.

After that I somehow managed to get bills paid (OK online and it took 5 minutes but all of these things I’m calling accomplishments!) and now I plan on taking a much needed break, watching some netflix and doing some painting. Hopefully I’ll get the laundry folded later but I doubt it.

Someday’s I’m very content with the fact I did something and now I just need to rest.

Someday’s I’m completely overwhelmed and terrified by the amount of rest I need and by my lack of the ability to handle most day to day chores. And I’m terrified of the future and how I’ll take care of myself and provide for myself.

It’s a fine line between the two.

But today, I’m content with rest. With what I got done. That the animals have food. That the house is warm and the dogs are safe.

And that I am trying the best I can.

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If anyone else was up in the night with pain. Here’s a good reminder:

https://themighty.com/2017/03/letter-support-for-chronic-pain-at-night/

 

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